As I lay here wide awake with insomnia, which seems to be a nightly occurrence this week, I felt compelled to write my last blog on the end of our IVF journey.
How am I feeling? To be honest, right now I am going in and out of complete sadness and then feeling positive. It ebbs and flows big time. So much of me is grieving and in complete shock that it didn’t work and accepting that we will be a 1-child family, but then another part of me honestly feels relief that it is all over.
Please- I love all my friends and family and all the support right now but all I want to hear right now is “I’m sorry.” Please don’t say any of the following to me (sorry I feel like a bitch for saying this but had to):
-“It may happen naturally still!” Stop, please don’t say this to me. While I know this is a remote possibility, I don’t want to have hope anymore and want to close this chapter in my mind. Not only that, my doctor said with IVF you fast forward a year’s worth of babymaking. I only produced 7 eggs, and obviously they were all bad. Plus look at the 2 1/2 years we have been trying overall and it hasn’t happened. The likelihood of it happening is minute, and again I’m ready to close this chapter of hoping for a second child so while I know you mean well, I don’t want to hear this and don’t want to hope anymore so I can shut the door on this.
-“You can adopt!” We don’t want to adopt, particularly Devin is very set on not adopting.
-“Now that you and Devin will finally relax and stop trying to control it, you will get pregnant!” See above (and F you for saying that lol). And I’m pretty sure our high stress jobs did not scientifically create genetic abnormalities in our embryos.
Anyway, back to what I was saying. I have been consumed the past 2 years with this cloud of secondary infertility hanging over me. 2016 was consumed with trying naturally, and 2017 was consumed with appointments at the fertility doctor.
Going into 2018, I know that I can now move on from all this secondary infertility bullshit and that I have God’s answer. There’s a reason why he doesn’t want us to have another child and a bigger purpose for us which we cannot see now, but I know in time we will.
In 2018, I can move on and focus on all that is good and wonderful in my life. My family, my friends, my wonderful hubby and son, my great career, and other fun.
After I got the news, I decided to distract myself and I’m starting to plan some girls trips in 2018 and Devin and I are planning a trip to Portugal in May for a wedding. I no longer wonder or have to worry about what if I’ll be pregnant and not able to plan things. How exciting!
I’m finally going to give away all the baby gear that we were saving from Alexander. I’m first going to let a friend or two get first dibs on what they want, and whatever remains is going to go to a battered women’s shelter/a Mom in need. We have so much baby stuff and it will make my heart happy to finally give it away.
I want to do some other good works in 2018 too. Maybe join a nonprofit board and/or get involved with a charity for kids. Perhaps both volunteering and monetary contributions.
I think I may get back into running too. I haven’t run consistently the past 2 years because of hard exercise being well known to work against fertility. So maybe I’ll start doing some races again next year? It’s also nice to not worry about caffeine intake, as that was something I have been watching too for fertility purposes. Bring on all the wine and coffee!!!
In summary, while this is the end, it’s also the beginning. When one door closes, another door opens. I’m looking forward to opening the door to 2018.
Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and Happy New Year. Love you all and thanks again for all your support.